My house has been full of the sounds of sibling rivalry from the moment my firstborn first poked his week-old baby sister and set her wailing. The rumpus has continued right through the argument I just busted up between that baby sister, now 12 years old, and her two baby sisters over who ate the muffin half she’d been saving.

Siblings have a relationship not quite like any other. Having to spend massive amounts of time with a built-in friend not of your choosing — and maybe very much unlike you — is both a unique life experience and a recipe for trouble.

Where the problems lie, and what you can do to stop (or at least slow down) the madness:

Competition

Most of us are prepared for the behavioral changes that a newborn inspires, but what do you do months and years later, when the jealousy seems to linger? Actually, kids are more sophisticated than we give them credit for: They don’t expect everything to be even-steven.

Kids do monitor how their parents treat them relative to their siblings. But usually they don’t get upset unless they think a different treatment is unjustified, says Katherine Jewsbury Conger, Ph.D., a family sociologist at the University of California, Davis. “My research shows that they may complain, but they also tend to acknowledge that it’s fair, say, for an older child to have a later bedtime,” she says.

What does bother kids, though, is if they sense their parents are spending a lot more time with one child or doing a particular activity with another sibling more often. What you can do to ease the competition:

• Skip trying to treat each kid “equally.” “Each child deserves treatment that’s appropriate to her age and who she is,” Conger says. That means you can — and should — take into account a child’s personality, interests, and developmental level when you decide on anything from punishments to what activities to enroll her in.

• But be fair. When one child has a gift or accomplishes something special — she’s a Suzuki violin virtuoso, he gets straight A’s, your baby learns to walk — be proud and congratulatory, but also be mindful of your other child’s feelings. Find a way to highlight his special aptitude later in the day.

• Ignore the trivial. Complaints over whose cup has more juice are bids for attention more than cries of injustice. Don’t play along.

• Avoid comparing your kids. It’s a natural impulse, but if you must, at least do it out of earshot.

• Discourage boasting. Explain the difference between being proud and being rude.

• Reinforce family ties. Wendy Gunn Irvine, a mom of two in Sacramento, California, tries to subtly remind her kids about their bond. “I don’t just say, ‘Give Matt his toy, please.’ I say, ‘Give your brother his toy,’” she says.

Contributing editor Paula Spencer is the coauthor of Bright From the Start.

Bickering

This incessant back-and-forthing may well be the most annoying part of family life. It’s no coincidence that bickering escalates when a parent is within earshot-the point is to get your attention. One party then gets to play the wronged victim, getting even more attention. You can’t intervene every time they fight — in some families that would be a full-time job — but there are things you can do to limit the bickering:

• Tell them what to do instead. Kathrine Kirk of Durham, North Carolina, teaches her 2-year-old twins, Andrew and Brian, a better way to handle squabbles over toys: “I ask the grabber, ‘How do you ask nicely?’ and he says, ‘Can I please have a turn?’ The one who has the toy usually says ‘Not right now’ or ‘In a few minutes.’ Then I show the other what to do — either take a few deep breaths to calm down or find another toy while he waits.”

• Stay out of it. Give the kids a chance to sort it out, even if it means sitting in the next room pretending you can’t hear them for ten minutes. Odds are they can work it out or it’ll blow over. Don’t go, even when you’re called, as long as you can tell the cries aren’t coming from a hurt child. One clue: They’re accompanied by complaints (“Moooom! She won’t get off the computer!”).

• Resist the urge to take sides if you weren’t there. You risk feeding a cycle of a “bad kid” and a tattletale. Instead of focusing on what just happened, look at how it can be avoided next time. Ask questions that encourage the kids to sort it out: “What is it you want to have happen here? Why?”

• Blame the problem, not the kids. For fights over TV, for example, suggest that “maybe the TV needs to take a time-out.”

Turf disputes

Siblings have been shown to be on the fast track when it comes to learning about sharing and negotiating. But on a day-to-day level, woe to the child who doesn’t respect his sib’s stuff or turf. And what about the PlayStations and Barbie houses that must be shared?

One friend of mine color-coded everything from sippy cups to bedspreads to balls to mark each child’s stuff. Another bought identical multiples of everything for her three daughters, claiming that the extra expense was worth the peace it brought, though that’s not a realistic solution for everybody. What to do about the turf wars in your house:

• Identify what’s shared and what isn’t. Allow an older kid to set up ways to keep a younger one out of certain cherished items, such as a lockbox for a diary or a high shelf for a trading-card collection.

• Make sure physical turf is defined, too. Each child should have a place where she can put her own things, such as a bedroom. In a shared room, each child should have a designated shelf, dresser, and toy bin.

• Use an egg timer. When kids want to play with the same toy, allow them, say, ten minutes apiece, or 30 minutes if they play together. (Be sure to make the joint time longer.)

• Make them set the rules. How do they think you can handle problematic situations, like deciding which TV shows to watch?

Bossiness (by a big sib)

It’s hard enough for a little guy (or girl) to have a parent or two telling him what to do all the time. To have an older kid do it, too? The injustice! Don’t be surprised if you hear your little one roar “You are not the boss of me!” to a big brother or sister.

In the older child’s defense, a “bossy” kid often doesn’t even realize that’s how she’s behaving. Older siblings are often told to keep an eye on a younger child without having a very good idea of what that entails. “They get carried away in their zeal for leadership,” says Laurie Kramer, Ph.D., professor of applied family studies at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. To handle it when you see your big kid getting bossy:

• Clarify what you expect. Don’t just say “Watch Maddie.” Give your child more specific instructions: “Show Maddie how to make towers with the Legos and be sure to give her a chance to try, too, because she needs practice to learn to do it like you do.”

• Applaud nonbossiness: “I appreciate the way you were so patient showing your sister how to draw dogs and cats!”

• Don’t force friendship. Some brothers and sisters get along great, while others are oil and water. With my own kids, who-plays-best-with-whom has varied according to age and personality.

Tagging along (by a little sib)

Everything an older sib does can seem interesting to a curious, imitative younger one. After all, little kids learn by example. But it can also be annoying to have a baby trailing your every move — a baby whose very presence implies you’re a baby yourself when you most certainly are not and don’t want your visiting friends to think you are, either. “Moooom! Get him out of here!” What you can do about tagalongs:

• Encourage patience. You won’t do it by saying “Please be more patient,” though. Instead, help your older child understand his younger sib’s limits by asking him to help with babycare and talk up how many things he can do that the little guy can’t.

• Explain the younger sib’s perspective: “He really wants to be like you.” “She looks up to you.”

• Maintain a sib-free zone. Allow your older child some space of his own — a room, a certain part of the backyard, the basement — where he can play alone with friends. (Your job: Keep the younger kid out!)

• Don’t expect 24/7 togetherness. Make sure each kid has her own time, with you or her friends, without the other around. Even 20 minutes with a parent can make a younger sibling easier to bear.

• Arrange double playdates. I’ve found it’s often calmer, rather than more chaotic, when each child has a friend over at the same time.

Blows, accidental

A certain amount of physicality comes with children living in close proximity. Often older kids play with younger sibs the way they play with peers, which can be too rough. (“You don’t know your own strength,” my mother used to say to my brother after he wrestled a helpless, half-his-size sister over the TV Guide.) What to do about accidental blows:

• Come up with a magic word. Tell them, “When someone says ’stop,’ we all stop.” That lets an older child know he’s getting carried away.

• Remember: Accidents happen. It’s just not realistic to think there should be no physical play.

Blows, intentional

Sometimes siblings also poke, trip, pinch, and do worse on purpose. After all, no one knows you so well as your sister or brother, which means they also know exactly how to push your buttons. How do you keep everybody safe? Make sure your kids know that coming to blows or verbal assaults (like name-calling) fall into the “totally not okay” category. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make clear what kind of behavior is not acceptable: “We use words instead of hitting.” What you can do about intentional smack-downs:

• Don’t automatically make the slugger the sole villain. Often, a child has been pestered or teased repeatedly before finally lashing out. In that event, both kids are in the wrong. Let the pestered child know that it’s best to tell Mom about the issue right away, before it escalates.

• But do punish a hitter. Respond consistently and swiftly: Send her immediately to time-out, no discussion, no negotiation, every time and for every child.

For all their conflicts, most siblings do develop close ties. I don’t know what I’d do without my big brother (the one who used to pummel me), and I hope my kids say the same about one another.

Is school important? Yes. But the key to literacy is not located in the school house. It is found at home.

Most parents know that it’s important to read aloud to their children. School personnel have been recommending that for years. And now comes another and equally important and powerful message from educators: Talk to your children!

Language-rich homes have been linked with success in reading and school achievement. And much of this happens before kids even register for kindergarten. So if you want your children to have a literacy edge when they enter school, do the following.

1. Beginning at birth, increase both the quantity and quality of conversations between you and your children.

2. Use rich language. (Yes, big words for small children.) The language you use is what children have to select from when they become writers and readers.

3. Retell family stories.

4. Talk about the world.

5. Talk about the future.

6. Ask questions that seek opinions.

7. It’s OK to use words children do not understand. Children learn words from usage. Use them often.

Everyone can talk to their children. And it can make a huge difference to their literacy development. Talk, talk, talk, and listen.

As a father of three, I know how challenging it can be to discipline a child. Skirmishes with a youngster who talks back or throws a tantrum in the middle of a crowded supermarket can leave otherwise confident parents feeling frustrated and desperate, grasping for the right words or tactics to get their child in line.

The good news: There are strategies you can use to take control and keep your cool during bouts of bad behavior — even when you’re faced with these five tough discipline problems.

Lawrence Balter, Ph.D., is a professor of applied psychology at New York University and the author of several books on parenting.
WHINING
Whining is something almost all young children do, especially before they’re old enough to talk well, because it’s one of the only ways they can express frustration and anger when they don’t get what they want. No matter how irritating it may be, parents need to understand that little whiners aren’t just trying to get a reaction (though that’s a big part of it, and one reason even grade-schoolers whine when they don’t get their way). Whining, like thumb sucking, is also a self-soothing activity: Little kids feel better when they make those sounds because it allows them to release their feelings.

HOW TO HANDLE

When a toddler starts to whine, ask him to repeat what he’s saying in a variety of ways — first in a whisper, then slowly, then very fast, and so on; this game may distract him from whatever he was whining about in the first place.

With a preschooler, you can set some ground rules. As soon as your child begins to whine, interrupt immediately and say calmly, “You’re whining. I don’t like to hear it, so please talk to me in a regular voice.” If he continues, repeat your request. If he changes his tone, compliment him by saying something such as “I liked the way you told me what you want without whining.” (Similarly, take the emotion out of your own voice. No matter how tempted you may be to snap, “Stop it, you’re driving me crazy,” keep in mind that reining in your own reactions will help you better communicate what you want to your child.) Then let him know you understand why he’s upset and negotiate a compromise. For example, if he’s unhappy because you’ve told him he can’t eat a cookie until after lunch, put it somewhere nearby where he can keep an eye on it, and promise him that he can have it after he finishes his meal.

PREVENTIVE MEASURES

By listening to your child and praising him when he uses a strong and clear voice, you’ll teach him that explaining what he wants without whining will get him much further.
TANTRUMS
Tantrums can be unnerving for parents, not only because they often involve public scenes but also because they represent a loss of control over the child and the situation. Fortunately, tantrums become less frequent as children reach grade-school age and learn better ways to deal with frustration.

HOW TO HANDLE

The trick to curtailing tantrums is to nip them in the bud. Reacting with alarm or anger, or giving in to a child who’s throwing a fit, will teach her that a tantrum is an effective means of getting what she wants. Instead, say, “When you stop crying we’ll talk about it and see what can be done,” and walk into the next room. (If your child is too young to be left alone, stay with her. It’s okay to hold her if she comes to you, but don’t respond to what she wants until she calms down.) Do something, such as leafing through a magazine or opening the mail, to let her know she won’t get your attention until she’s calm. In most cases, tantrums stop much more quickly in the absence of an interested audience.

If you’re in a public place, ignore any glares you get and take your child to a private corner to wait for her to calm down. Say, “I’ll sit down with you until you stop screaming.” If she doesn’t stop crying or screaming after three or four minutes, take your child and leave.

PREVENTIVE MEASURES

Tantrums aren’t always predictable. Kids throw them for all sorts of reasons — they didn’t get something they wanted, they’re having trouble mastering a task, they’re just tired. Even so, you can head off some outbursts by avoiding circumstances that might lead to one. If you see your preschooler trying to work out a puzzle that she saw her 10-year-old sister whiz through, for instance, help her with it or steer her attention to a game that’s more appropriate for her age.

And don’t expect more from your child than she can handle. For example, very young children can’t amuse themselves for extended periods of time and are likely to get cranky, so avoid taking a toddler or preschooler to the supermarket or bank during busy times, when you’ll have to stand in long lines. If you must take her somewhere where you know she’ll have to wait, bring along some favorite toys or snacks as diversions.
SIBLING FIGHTS
A father told me recently about a typical tussle between his two young sons. Shortly after he had settled his 4- and 6-year-old boys into the car and pulled away from the curb, he heard a bloodcurdling shriek from the backseat. When he asked what was wrong, one of the boys shouted, “Tell him to stop. He’s breathing my air!”

Sibling rivalry is a natural response to having a constant competitor for parental time and affection. But when it goes unchecked, it can get in the way of a loving sibling relationship and spoil the fun that brothers and sisters would otherwise have together.

HOW TO HANDLE

The best way to get sparring siblings to call a truce is to first separate them for as long as it takes them to cool down. But don’t try to decide who’s right and who’s wrong unless you’ve actually witnessed one of the children hit a brother or sister or deliberately provoke a fight (in which case you should take appropriate disciplinary action for that behavior). Otherwise, you risk playing favorites or being drawn into the squabble.

PREVENTIVE MEASURES

In all likelihood, you won’t be able to completely eliminate sibling rivalry, but you can work at limiting its intensity. Emphasize to your children the importance of looking out for one another’s interests. Teach them to respect each other’s personal property and to not borrow something from a brother or sister without permission. Never compare siblings with one another, and establish rules for situations that commonly provoke disagreements: Work out in advance who will sit where in the car, whose favorite TV program they’ll watch and when, and so on.
DAWDLING
You remind your preschooler to brush his teeth and hop into bed for a story before sleep. Twenty minutes later, you find him dunking toy cars in the sink.

Sound familiar? Part of the problem is that young children experience the passage of time quite differently from adults. When they’re engrossed in something, they almost believe the clock will stand still until they complete that activity. But dawdling doesn’t end when kids learn how to tell time. Older kids may still need a reminder from Mom or Dad that they’re running late.

HOW TO HANDLE

Don’t say a word about what you’re doing as you lead your toddler from one activity to another. At night, for example, rather than mention bedtime, engage your child in a conversation about something that happened during the day. He’ll be so engrossed in the talk, he’ll hardly notice that he’s out of the bathtub and into his pajamas.

Another tactic: Since the concept of time for preschoolers is often tied to activities, such as juice time, nap time, and bath time, you can motivate a child to keep up the momentum by letting him know what’s next on the agenda. Try saying, “Let’s get you into your pajamas right now so we can pick a book to read.” You can also make a game out of an activity. For instance, say, “Let’s see if you can pick up all your toys by the time I count to fifty,” or announce breathlessly, “I’m running really late for my appointment and I need your help,” and ask him to carry your briefcase to the door, fetch your umbrella, or get his lunch box out of the fridge.

If this ploy leaves your school-age dawdler unimpressed, take a harder line. Hold his hand, lead him downstairs, put on his coat, and deliver him to the school bus with hair uncombed and a piece of fruit and a small box of cereal for breakfast to eat on the way. Eventually, this will teach your child that no matter how much he resists, some things, like meeting the school bus on time, are not negotiable.

PREVENTIVE MEASURES

Remove distractions. If the TV is off, the cat’s not in his room, and his toys are put away, he’s more likely to concentrate on the task at hand. Clearly state what you expect him to do, and be sure your child has everything he needs to accomplish the task. If you want him to brush his teeth, put the toothbrush, toothpaste, and cup of water within easy reach.

Another way to prevent dawdling is to lay out your child’s clothes and backpack the night before. Not only will you avoid waiting 15 minutes for your child to pick out the outfit he wants to wear, but you will also cut down on the morning rush. It’s also a good idea to establish a routine — a bath, then a snack, then brushing teeth, followed by a story before bed, for example, or combing his hair, getting dressed, and making his bed before coming down to breakfast.
BACK TALK
Starting at the age of 2, your child will begin testing authority, and one way she does this is by talking back to adults. Declaring “Don’t want to!” or “No!” is a child’s way of saying she’s tired of taking orders and that she wants more independence.

HOW TO HANDLE

This is a tricky issue because you don’t want to squelch your child’s first steps toward autonomy, nor do you want to sanction rudeness. In a serious tone say, “I don’t want you to talk that way to me. If you disagree with me that’s okay, but you’ll have to do it in a polite way.” Give her some examples of acceptable forms of protest, such as “I have another idea” or “I disagree.” Make it clear that she’ll lose a privilege the next time she talks to you rudely, and as with all disciplinary tactics, be consistent in your enforcement. Don’t allow rudeness to go unchecked on one day and then react vigorously the next.

PREVENTIVE MEASURES

By giving your child your attention and responding to her opinion when she disagrees with you politely, you’ll show her that you value her thoughts and that it’s okay for her to think differently from you.

An important tip: Be aware of your own communication style. If you express your disagreement with others by using snide comments and sarcasm, you can expect your child to do the same.

As your child develops more self-control and learns to express her needs and frustrations in constructive ways, tantrums, whining, and other negative behavior will become much less of a problem. And by teaching her that it’s okay to tell you what she thinks and feels, you’ll build strong communication skills that will be helpful as your child approaches adolescence — a stage that will be fraught with its own set of discipline challenges.

How to handle your reliable, conscientious, structured, controlling, perfectionist firstborn.

Firstborn children tend to become mini-adults far before their years. They are hardworking, diligent achievers who’re ready and able to please the adults around them. Of course, they also can be a bit controlling about having things done “their way.” Here, 10 tips on how to groom your firstborn to make these predisposed characteristics work in his favor.

1. Let your firstborn child make her own decisions. As far as you’re concerned, your daughter is the best pirouetter in her ballet class. So maybe she’d be good at jazz dancing, you figure, and tap, hip-hop, even ballroom. But signing her up for a slew of new lessons can backfire on you. You’re not giving her options — you’re grooming her to be a Jill of all trades, when in fact she may have no interest in learning the foxtrot. Since firstborns tend to be achievers, they’re more likely to do what you ask them to do, regardless of whether they actually like it. Remember, it’s one thing to introduce your child to something new; it’s another to assume that if they continue long enough, they’ll “learn to like it.”

2. Don’t expect your child to be your eyes and ears. “A good rule of thumb is not to expect your older children to be babysitters for the younger ones,” Dr. Kevin Leman, a psychologist who has studied birth order for almost four decades, writes in The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are (Revell). Just because they’re older doesn’t mean they should be held accountable for the fact that their younger siblings decided to finger-paint the walls.

3. Don’t nit-pick. Resist the urge to rewipe the countertop your firstborn has already cleaned. This will reinforce your firstborn’s already-ingrained perfectionist traits.

4. Help your child see the big picture. Firstborns tend to become so focused on perfecting the task at hand that they sometimes may not see anything else. As Dr. Leman puts it, perfectionism is not always strength. Is it imperative that your 8-year-old stay up to the wee hours finishing his project to win the blue ribbon at the science fair? Or is it more important that he do a good job, learn about the solar system, and actually enjoy what he’s doing?

5. Don’t spotlight your firstborn’s skills — spotlight your firstborn. Yes, we — and everyone else who has seen the baby pictures you whip out of your wallet as if it was a reflex — know you’re proud of your first child. Yes, it’s wonderful that he’s earning straight As, plays Tchaikovsky like a prodigy, and is the star pitcher on the elementary school baseball team. But make sure that your first-time-parent enthusiasm isn’t becoming overbearing for your little Einstein.

“What can happen easily is that in the parents’ endeavor to create the best possible outcome, they can scrutinize the firstborn,” says child and family therapist Meri Wallace, author of Birth Order Blues (Owl Books). “They often can pressure their child to be perfect.” Praise your child, not your child’s skill. Even innocuous phrases like “Great job!” can be made better with a qualifying statement that reflects more on them than their work, like, “We’re proud of you.”

6. Emphasize patience. “Realize firstborns have a particular need to know exactly what the rules are,” Leman writes. “Be patient and take time to lay things out for your firstborn A to Z.” This will set a good example for him to follow, grooming him to be patient with his peers in the same way you are with him.

7. Teach your child to go halfway. “No” is a common word out of any youngster’s mouth, but this may be doubly so with firstborns. Firstborns tend to be leaders, and this trait can manifest itself as aggression or bossiness. If your daughter insists on playing house “her way,” her insensitivity may cause her to be ostracized from her peers. Show her that a “my way or the highway” attitude doesn’t always work by emphasizing sharing and compromise.

The next time she refuses to share Barbie’s dreamhouse with her younger sister, get both girls involved in an activity that doesn’t revolve around a “claimed” possession, like hopscotch or finger-painting, to foster sibling bonds without stirring up possessive feelings.

8. Your child is not a Faberge egg… You are a parent, not a policeman — your 7-year-old son won’t turn into a criminal if you let him play racing games on his Xbox. While you may feel that the only way to raise a decent child is to give him plenty of rules and discipline (other than raising him in a plastic bubble, of course), this has all the markings of a rebellious time-bomb.

Instead of raising him like a Stepford child, enforce rules that are truly necessary — and explain to him why these rules are in place. This will not only let him understand the reasoning behind your actions, it’ll also let you literally hear whether or not your demands are as reasonable as you think they are. Since this is your first time parenting, it might be wise to ease up on the iron first.

9. …But your child is not a punching bag, either. Having a child who obeys your every command seems like a dream, right? Well, imagine that your child grows up to be a such a brown-nosing people-pleaser that he takes on doormat qualities. The problem with grooming an overly cooperative child is that while it’s good that he or she is a master at the art of compromise, “compliant firstborns are well-known for taking it and being walked on by a world that loves to take advantage of them,” Leman writes. Show them how to set limits by giving them age-appropriate responsibilities.

10. Spend time with the firstborn, especially if he has a lot of siblings. “Firstborns respond better to adult company than children of any other birth order,” Leman writes. “Firstborns often feel that parents don’t pay much attention to them because they’re always concentrating on the younger ones in the family. Make a special effort to have the firstborn join you and your spouse in going out alone for a treat, or to run some kind of special errand.” Mindfully spending quality time with your firstborn can also alleviate any resentment the eldest might feel toward his younger siblings.

“Jillian, if you don’t stop talking back to me, you’re going to sit in the time out area until you learn to respect me!”

“You know that when children in this family won’t put their toys away they have to sit in time out. Is that what you want? If not, you better start putting those toys away right now.”

“Roberta, you’re being naughty. Naughty girls have to sit in this naughty chair until they learn their lesson. Go to the naughty chair now. I’ll tell you when it’s time to get out.”

“Anthony, the school policy says that children can’t push other children. You’re on the wall for pushing Carlos. Go sit by the wall with those other two over there. You can watch the other children playing the way they’re supposed to until recess is over.”

“Rita, you’re supposed to be in time out. Get back in that chair and stay there quietly until your time is up. Now I have to reset the timer because you left the time out chair early.”

Parents across the country are using words such as these in an attempt to control a child’s behavior with the increasingly popular discipline technique of “time out.” Parents, teachers, principals, daycare providers and even the Super Nanny are using time outs as a technique to teach children to behave in a desired way. In an attempt to correct a behavior, they’re telling children to sit on chairs in the middle of a classroom or on a bench outside the principal’s office, sending them to their bedroom, or making them sit on a “naughty step.”

Adults use time outs with the best of intentions. They want a discipline technique that’s an option to sarcasm, ridiculing, yelling, or shaming. They prefer not to spank or use other forms of physical punishment to control their children. So they opt for using a time-out. They know it’s important to hold children accountable for their behaviors, and they use time out as a consequence of the choice the child has made.

These adults believe that placing a child in time out will make him think about what he did wrong and learn not to do it any more. They believe that the child will stop hitting in frustration after having enough opportunities to sit and think about hitting. They believe he will learn to pick up his toys, stop throwing sand, and start using kind words because he sat in his bedroom long enough to figure out why he was there.

One assumption made by these parents and caregivers is that time outs get children to behave the way the adult wants. Another assumption is that because it appears to work it’s effective. But what if these “positive” outcomes aren’t what they appear to be at first glance? What if there are negative effects from using time out as it is being practiced today? What if it’s actually counterproductive to achieving the goal of raising responsible children? Perhaps it’s time to call time out on time out and examine it more closely.

Consider: As it is often practiced, time out is used for control. It is used as a threat. “If you don’t stop that, you’ll go to time out.” It is used to punish. “Okay, that’s it. You go to your room.” When you use time out in these ways you’re teaching children that those with the power have the right to control others. You’re showing them that might makes right and that the bigger gets to dominate the smaller.

Consider: Children being controlled by the threat of time out may indeed change their behavior. But when they do, the motivation to change is external. The child hasn’t been asked to think for herself or given the chance to internalize the need for a new behavior. Nor has she been taught any new behaviors. What she learns is to behave when the adult is near in fear of punishment. But she doesn’t behave when the adult is not present because she hasn’t learned to behave from the inside out. She is behaving only from the outside in.

Consider: When time out is used for punishment, it often creates resentment and encourages revenge fantasies as children direct their anger and blame at the parents. They scheme about how to get even rather than contemplate alternatives to the behavior that got them the negative consequence. These feelings serve to disconnect them from the family rather than bring them closer.

Consider: Many parents make it understood that their child is being sent to time out because he or she has been naughty or bad. When you send a child to a specific area because he was “naughty” and make that clear to him, you send a message to the child that he is bad, that he is naughty. This use of time out attacks the character of the child. It wounds the spirit and brands him as being that way. It results in feelings of low self-esteem and creates core beliefs of “I am wrong,” “I am not worthy,” and “I am naughty.”

Consider: Time out as it was originally designed was an attempt to give children time to cool down. It was to provide a safe space and time for a child to calm herself. Creating time and space for a child to calm down so she can think is the first step toward creating an internal standard, an inner authority that guides the child’s behavior. It is a move toward control from within rather than from the outside.

Consider: A time out is something one takes or is given when one needs a break from their surroundings. When an adult is overworked and feeling stress from their job, they take a time out. It’s called a vacation.

When you’re so angry that you can’t think, you remove yourself from the situation and come back later when you can think clearly. That’s a time out. When you come home from work exhausted and sit down on an easy chair for fifteen minutes, you’re giving yourself a time out.

A time out is what we need when we’re sad and want to be alone. It’s what we need when we’re hurt and don’t know what to say. A time out is what we need when we’re confused and don’t know what to do. It is what we need when we’re frustrated and don’t know what we want. A time out is an internal rest area where one goes to collect oneself, to reenergize and get ready to address the problem at hand.

Consider: Children also need time to calm their minds and relax their bodies when they’re frustrated. They need a break from the world around them when they are yelling or angry. Children need an opportunity to get themselves ready to learn a new skill or face a problem. They need time to get back into a solution-seeking, problem-solving mode.

Consider: A time out is not to be used as the punishment piece of a discipline technique. It is the time a child needs to get into the right frame of mind so he or she can learn how to manage anger, curb aggression, or use a different set of words to express disappointment.

Consider: A child will only learn to manage his behavior when he is in the frame of mind that allows him to do so. Managing behavior, comparing possible outcomes, understanding consequences, choosing among options, and creating choices take place in the area of the brain called the frontal lobe. When your daughter is throwing a tantrum, she is not in her frontal lobe. Nor is your son using his frontal lobe when he’s yelling, “I hate you.”

When your child demonstrates physical behaviors such as hitting, kicking, biting, throwing objects, stomping feet, and swinging arms, she is in tantrum mode. Such behaviors are not generated in the cortex where the frontal lobe is located. Yelling, screaming, crying, and other emotional behaviors are generated in the limbic brain, which assists in managing emotional content and is not typically a problem-solving area. It’s important for parents, educators, and daycare providers to recognize these behaviors and understand that children are not in an appropriate mindset from which to engage in learning a new skill, solving a problem, or understanding the cause and effect relationship of the choices they have made.

Consider: To discipline a child in the middle of a tantrum or during an emotional outburst serves no useful purpose. The role of the adult at this time is to help the child pass through the tantrum or emotional phase and move into a behavior management and problem-solving mode.

The appropriate use of a time out is to provide the time and space a child needs to move into his frontal lobe and thus into a mode of thinking conducive to learning how to manage behavior. The time out is not the learning phase. It is not when the teaching occurs. Time out is the getting-ready phase, the recollecting-one’s-thoughts-and-feelings phase. A time out is provided for a child to give her several minutes of solitude in a calming place, allowing the brain to slowly shift into higher cortical thinking and frontal lobe activation. When the child has made this transition, then and only then is the process of holding her accountable and teaching her how to do it differently next time appropriate.

Consider: As practiced across the country today, the standard amount of time to be in time out is correlated with the age of the child. For a seven-year-old, the rule suggests the child should sit in time out for seven minutes. We disagree.

Some individuals move into the behavior management and problem-solving mode of the brain faster than others do. For some children it could require only seconds, while for others it may take thirty minutes. Give your child whatever time he or she needs to get ready. That is the most effective use of time out.

Consider: Most parents allow children to return to the family group or resume their activity after they have stayed in time out for a specific amount of time. Time out used in this way becomes synonymous with “doing time.” Once you’ve served your sentence, you’re free to go about your business.

Consider: If time out is indeed used as a gift of time and space, it is the time after time out that becomes the most important. This is when you follow up by teaching a needed lesson, debriefing the previous scenario, and creating plans for next time. Use the time after time out to help your children learn to manage their behavior through the guidance and instruction you give them. This will help them develop a better understanding of the consequences of their behavior. They will be more receptive to suggestions on how to correct their behavior. They will feel more empowered and more confident in being able to manage their behavior in the future. They will come to see themselves as capable, responsible people.

If you want your child to see himself as a responsible and successful person, to learn to get along with the group (family), to build positive relationships with others, and to increase feelings of connectedness with you, stop using time out as a punishment. Use it as a positive interruption of an undesirable behavior so the child can calm himself and be receptive to the guidance, instruction, and lessons in accountability that follow.

Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of Teaching the Attraction Principle™ to Children: Practical Strategies for Parents and Teachers to Help Children Manifest a Better World. They are two of the world’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their website today: www.personalpowerpress.com

How do preschool teachers get kids to behave? They let the children work out conflicts themselves.

Flying Solo

Trouble is brewing in the block area at the nursery school where I teach. Rory, 5, is building a castle right where Emily, 4, is playing. Emily crashes her toy pony into Rory’s masterpiece. “You wrecked my castle,” Rory yells. “But that’s where the pony is going,” Emily says. Rory grabs the pony. Emily yanks it back. Now what?

As a parent, you may think the solution is to take the pony away from Emily or to tell Rory she should build her castle in a quieter spot. But as a preschool teacher for more than six years, I’ve learned that it’s far more effective to teach children how to solve their own problems rather than telling them exactly what to do.

“When parents encourage kids to come up with their own solutions, children are much more likely to be satisfied with the results,” says Myrna Shure, PhD, author of Thinking Parent, Thinking Child. “And they’re also more likely to be willing to carry out their ideas without a fuss.” Here are some strategies that work for me in the classroom.

Strategies from the Classroom

The Problem: Your 4-year-old, Anna, grabs the pink flower stickers from her older sister, Katie. And that’s when the argument starts: “I want some.” “No, they’re mine.” “You never share.” “I’m telling!”

The Predictable Response: “How many times have I told you and your sister not to fight? Since you two can’t seem to play nicely with the stickers, I’m going to put them away, and neither of you can have them.”

A Better Approach: Confiscating the stickers may stop the yelling for a minute, but it’s likely the girls will soon be fighting over something else. A more effective tactic is to break the cycle once and for all. Start by saying, “It looks like there’s a problem.” By stating the obvious, you give yourself time to think and also get the kids to calm down and pay attention to what you’re saying.

It’s important that both girls feel heard, so ask them individually what they think the problem is. This will also force them to listen to each other’s point of view. Once they see both sides, ask helpful questions to guide them to a solution: for instance, “Katie, can you and Anna think of a different way to solve this problem without fighting?” If one girl decides that she’ll give her sister a pink sticker for two purple ones, make sure that this is okay with the other sibling too.

The Problem: Your 4-year-old, Sam, is kicking the ball around with his buddy, Jason. All of a sudden your child yells, “Jason hit me.” You didn’t see what happened.

The Predictable Response: “If you can play nicely for the rest of the time we’re at the park, I’ll take you out for ice cream on the way home.”

A Better Approach: Bribery doesn’t help kids solve disagreements; rather it teaches them that they’ll be rewarded for misbehaving. Instead, get to the root of the problem. I’ve found that if I ask a child why something happened, the answer is usually, “I don’t know.” But if I ask for the facts (“What happened right before Jason hit you?”), kids are more forthcoming. For example, Sam might answer, “Jason wouldn’t let me have the ball, so I called him ’stupid’ and then he hit me.”

Once you know the whole story, you’re better able to help them end the spat. Let them know that name-calling and hitting aren’t ever acceptable. Then, brainstorm with them until they come up with a good solution, such as playing catch with the ball. When you ask kids, “What are your ideas?” “What else could you do?” you give them the power to think for themselves. If you believe they can resolve their conflicts, they are likely to believe it too.

The Problem: Your 5-year-old, Matthew, grabs the only free swing at the playground. His 3-year-old sister, Jane, runs to you crying and says, “Matthew won’t let me have a turn.”

The Predictable Response: “Matthew, let Jane have the swing. You know she’s younger than you are.”

A Better Approach: Arbitrarily choosing sides creates enemies. Have the kids talk to each other, not to you. Children in my class often want me to fix problems for them because they’re nervous about approaching another kid. When they say, “Tell Daniel he has to share,” I respond, “Let’s go talk to Daniel together.” When the aggrieved child finally does speak directly to the other one, he feels better and becomes more confident about handling it on his own the next time.

Still, you should keep an eye on things from the sidelines. If the kids need help working it out, ask a leading question, such as: “What can we do when you both want the same swing at the same time?” The solution the kids come up with might be as simple as taking turns for three minutes each.

When to Step In

By Jennifer Margulis (Parent.com 4/28/08)

Welcome to the Age of Insolence. Find out how to rein in back talk at every age.